3 am

What is it about 3am? I've heard it called the "dead zone" or "witching hour" on those paranormal shows. I would love to be in the dead zone right now!
It has been a tough couple of days. I have been waking up, like clockwork, at 3am. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get to sleep in until 3:15. It doesn't matter if I go to bed at 8pm or midnight, I still wake up at 3. I try to hang on as long as I can every night so I don't get into a pattern of 8pm - 3am. That won't work 'round these parts.
Taking my medicine in the morning doesn't seem to be making a difference, and I really have a hard time remembering, so I guess I'll go back to taking it at night, at least I know it will be taken at the same time every day. Which is EXTREMELY important - especially when you first go on the meds. Your body will take several weeks to adjust. Oh, and the list of side effects I wrote about in one of my first posts?
Well, let's see...

Headache? Check
Drowsiness? Check (Unfortunately that hits at 5pm!)
Dry mouth? Check
Dizziness? Check
Insomnia? CHECK!
Sweating? Check! (Night sweats are especially fun!)
Constipation? Check
Shakiness? Check
Diarrhea? (Some people may ask, but didn't you check constipation? Answer: Yes)
Yawning? Check
Chills? Check
Decreased sex drive? Check
Gas? Check
Weight gain? Check (Of course - I couldn't be one of those that actually LOSES!)

OK, so this is what I've been dealing with the last few weeks. Someone who hasn't been on meds yet but is thinking about it - just be assured that these side effects really are temporary. I've been through this before in varying degrees, trying different drugs and combinations of drugs. I finally found that a combination of Effexor XR and Trazodone worked for me, but I made the mistake of thinking I could go off them myself. (We didn't have any health insurance, and I would have had to come up with another $175 each month until my husband went back to work, plus another 60 days' waiting period until it kicked in). I figured drinking my way through the withdrawals would be a less expensive option. I do not recommend it. DIY withdrawals, without the supervision of an MD and your therapist if you have one, can cause you to sink into a much lower depression than you were in before. That's exactly what happened to me.

Ok, well, I think I'll go turn on the TV for a little while and see if I might fall asleep on the couch. I'm sure I have a great variety of infomercials to choose from.
Peace.

On my way...

I have battled depression for so many years, I don't even remember for how long. This summer, I went off my meds. I really thought I could do it this time! Well, by September I was a mushroom growing out of the couch, both in usefulness and shape. A poisonous mushroom nobody wanted to touch or even be near. My house is atrociously dirty, as I find many other, lazier, things to do than clean. Why my husband hasn't left me yet, I don't know. The piles of laundry are too scary to touch, and the dust bunnies are multiplying everywhere, just as rabbits do.
I just finished one week of going back on an antidepressant. I take the generic brand Venlafaxine. I'm starting a gradual dose of 37.5mg the first week, 75mg the second week, then my regular dose of 150mg starting the third week. They truly are the happy pills that keep me from becoming rooted to my couch or bed, and I think I am finally resigned to the fact that I may need these for the rest of my life. When we have insurance, it costs $30/month. When we don't, it's $175. Since my husband works seasonally and we are quite often without insurance for months at a time, it can be a real financial hardship to keep mama supplied with the magic pills. But, I realize now that I need them to function at a very basic level.
I want to share my struggle with others who are going through the same thing. To let you know that there is someone out there just like you, and maybe we can start our own little on-line support group. Thanks for reading my first post!